Here’s to high times ahead: Anonymous letter to a newcomer in rehab

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I am occasionally involved with the alumni group of a facility where I attended an outpatient program several years ago. Staff at the facility recently asked members of the alumni group to write anonymous letters to people newly admitted to the facility’s residential program. Mine is below.

Hello friend,

I was asked to write a note to a person newly admitted to “Happy Hills Recovery.” If you are reading this…that’s you!

Based on my own experience, I’m guessing you are not having the best days of your life right about now. When I finally went to treatment, it was because I had messed things up so badly that I didn’t see any other choice. And it was at that hardest time of my life that I had to give up the one thing that gave me the most comfort and the one thing I thought I needed the most: alcohol.

I grew up in the Midwest with parents who supported me with love and financial support. I moved west for graduate school in my 20s and established my life on the west coast. On the outside, my life seemed pretty good. I’ve been married for more than 25 years and have raised two really good kids who are young adults now. I was successful in my career as well.

Despite outward appearances that everything was fine, drinking had been a source of problems throughout my life and gradually became more and more of a focus for me as I aged. The first time I drank I was 12 years old. I split a bottle of brandy with a friend who had taken it from his parents. We both ended up in the hospital. Drinking continued to be central to my life through high school and college when I started using other substances as well. I started drinking more heavily in my 30s when my kids were young. My wife wasn’t much of a drinker so I learned to keep it hidden. Things progressed for years until I was eventually drinking pretty much every waking hour of the day. Somehow, I managed to avoid detection and avoid consequences, even as my career progressed and the responsibilities of my work grew.

Eventually, drinking cost me what I had considered to be my dream job. At the time I lost my job, one of my kids was in college and another was about to start. I worried about how my new financial situation would impact their lives. After a brief period of unemployment, the first job I found paid one-third of what I had been earning. My wife was shocked and horrified, and so pissed off with me. I was certain my marriage was over. I stayed at a sober living house for several months with hardly any contact with my family. I worried that my kids resented me for tearing apart the life they had known and come to expect.

They say that getting sober means you have to “feel the feelings” instead of numbing them with alcohol or other drugs. It’s true. And it sucks that most of us first get to try “feeling the feelings” at a time when the feelings are the most intense and negative. It’s like jumping right into the deep end and hoping you can swim. But with help, you can do it.

Keep these hard feelings in mind and remember what you are experiencing now. If you’re lucky and keep moving forward with the help you are offered, you will never have to feel anything worse. One of the most hopeful and encouraging things someone said to me in those early days of recovery was, “you never have to feel this way again.” And you know what? YOU never have to feel this way again.

It’s not easy being in a treatment program where everyone is telling you what to do and watching everything you do. It can make you feel like a child without any freedom. It’s fine not to agree with everything you hear, and to think some of it is corny. But I guarantee that if you keep an open mind and listen, you will learn some things about your struggles with substances and about yourself. You will also learn some valuable tools that will help you deal with the hard times and with anger, sadness and frustrations. Those tools will help you to find peace and happiness.

Try to find the fun in the things you are doing and the people you find yourself with. Don’t lose your sense of humor. Laughter is good for you. I’m sure there will be plenty to laugh at here at Happy Hills. To me, being able to find some humor in the dumb shit we’ve all done because of addiction is a sign that we are growing and moving forward. Laughing at that stuff doesn’t glorify it. It means we are able to separate it from ourselves, put it in our past, and see our faults without beating ourselves up.

One of the first times I remember being truly happy and at peace after losing my job and quitting drinking came after almost a year in recovery. I met up with some sober friends from an online recovery group for a hike. It was a long drive for a two-hour hike with people who were basically strangers. But it was worth it because I was having fun and doing something “normal” with a group of people who understood a part of my life that my family and most of my close friends did not. I realized then that one of the keys to recovery for me is not to think of it as giving something up, but to think of it as a way to gain new things…a new identity as a sober person and the ability to find the joy in doing new things.

An author named Laura McKowen has written about her struggles with addiction. In her book titled “We are the Luckiest” McKowen includes a list of 9 things to tell people new to recovery about this “thing” we call addiction:

1. It is not your fault.
2. It is your responsibility.
3. It is unfair that this is your thing.
4. This is your thing.
5. This will never stop being your thing until you face it.
6. You cannot do it alone.
7. Only you can do it.
8. I love you.
9. I will never stop reminding you of these things.

I like this list. It reminds you to not be too hard on yourself. You never asked to become addicted. At the same time, you’ve got to decide to do something about it and you are going to need some help. So take the help that is offered. Good stuff to keep in mind.

The last thing I want you to know is that things did get better for me just like everyone told me it would (even though I didn’t believe them at the time). Things may be different than what you had expected or than what you had hoped for. That was certainly the case for me. But it turned out that different was not worse. And things have gotten better. Much better!

I am wishing you all the best and am thinking of you. Be patient! And be kind to yourself.

-Grant

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That’s all for now. Until next month, stay tuned!